babies...

Having just ruined my husband's day off with a nice little hormonal spew, I thought it might be a good idea to coalesce the rumblings in my distraught brain with the comfort of words. I can only hope that this is slightly less naive than the pro/con lists I used to make as a young girl (okay, I was making them all the way through college), but what really could be more naive than thinking that getting pregnant on a whim to be a good idea? Tom and I are looking at about a year apart regardless, and I'm sitting here thinking a baby makes sense? Sure, I find myself getting jealous (sometimes insanely so) of Megan and her love child. Okay, let's take a moment with that one shall we, in the security of this never being read. So, I find myself in a relationship that is both secure and loving. We work. I am jealous of our years ahead and want only to keep living with him and learning from him and loving him. And we are so careful about planning when and where a child should fit into this; not wanting to wait too long, but trying to make sure we are ready (if that is even possible). Now add the damned biological clock to this mix, then watch me watching Megan fuck some fling (her vows that she was in love with him are slightly tarnished by the fact that she was pregnant within a couple weeks...wouldn't you claim love in such a situation) without protection and act surprised when she comes up pregnant. Surprised but oh so happy. With this "love of her life" who she's going to grow old with and her family ready to go. It doesn't matter that they have no career options, are going to have to move in with her mother, are so young...nothing. The deed is done, so she is allowed, even encouraged to feel happy about the situation. While I sit spiteful and jealous as hell in my barren corner. Relatively we have money enough and a wonderful relationship to share with a child, but we wait. And we probably should. Look at me, I can't even give real remorse for hating my sister-in-law because she has what I want. If that is not the definition of immaturity, I'm not sure what is. I even gave my excuses and reasoning for hating her before I offered this lame apology.